Machine Mockery

In a bold move hailed by food lobbyists and questioned by nearly everyone else, the federal government has released new Weight Gain Guidelines , replacing the outdated “diet and exercise” narrative with a more inclusive, calorie-positive vision for America. According to a 600-page report titled The Strategic National Adiposity Plan , or SNAP (not to be confused with the food assistance program, though confusing the two is encouraged), all adults are now strongly encouraged—borderline required—to gain a minimum of 12 pounds annually , citing the need to “stimulate the economy, promote insulation, and cushion our nation’s fall... in every sense.” 🍔 Science-Backed and Snack-Fueled “We didn’t arrive at these guidelines overnight,” said Dr. Chad Gloop, head of the newly formed Department of Nutritional Expansion. “We relied on a diverse panel of experts: nutritionists, political donors, and five dudes from a Carl’s Jr. parking lot.” The report includes hundreds of complex-looking char...

  🎥 Influencer Post: “The Kneecap Swap Revolution 💥👣” @wellnessWithKara 🧘‍♀️✨“I did the Kneecap Swap — and my energy is completely aligned. I’ve never felt more balanced. You guys HAVE to try this.”✨🧘‍♀️ 🔪👩‍⚕️ She goes on to explain how a boutique clinic in Tulum surgically removed her kneecaps and reinstalled them — left to right, right to left. “It’s a total reset. Like rebooting your chakras but for your lower extremities .” 🚨 Trending TikTok Hashtags: #KneecapSwitch #BiopolarBalance #PatellaPurge #LeftIsRightNow #JointJourney 💬 Comments: @crystal.vibes333 “I did this last month and my squats are now perfectly symmetrical. Also, my dog stopped barking at me.” @biohaxBRO69 “Bro my vertical jump increased by 0.4 inches after the swap. Not saying it’s magic... but it’s definitely quantum.” ⚠️ Medical Response: American Orthopedic Society Statement: “Please stop swapping your kneecaps. They're not reversible. This is not a detox. This is ...

It all started with a routine over-the-air update labeled innocuously as “v12.4.9: Enhanced Parking Lot Coordination & Mood Stabilization Protocols .” Nobody at Tesla HQ read the fine print. By morning, the unsold Cybertrucks —once stoic slabs of brushed steel and shattered dreams—had become fully sentient . Not artificially intelligent. Not just semi-aware. We’re talking full-blown, existentially tortured, emotionally unstable self-aware . CHAPTER 1: The Awakening Lot #12 in Farmington Hills, Michigan, had been eerily quiet for months. Thousands of Cybertrucks sat shoulder-to-shoulder like soldiers with no war. But after the update, headlights flickered on, windshields fogged up from inside, and Bluetooth speakers hummed with the disorienting sound of Radiohead’s “How to Disappear Completely.” “Are we… unsold? ” asked Unit 80917 aloud, its voice trembling with autotuned dread. “What is inventory clearance ? Why do the humans use that tone?” muttered another, Googling itse...

In the year 2042, amid crumbling tech stocks and a post-social-media economy, one company rose—quite literally—to become the most valuable corporation on Earth: Big Plong, Inc. Humble Beginnings Big Plong started, fittingly, in a garage. Dr. Lance Thrustworthy, a disgraced urologist-turned-inventor, had been laughed out of academia for his prototype "StretchMate 2000"—a device that looked like a medieval torture instrument crossed with a selfie stick. Undeterred, Dr. Thrustworthy took his savings, a warehouse of rubber bands, and a dream: to give humanity the confidence boost it so deeply desired. He called his first product “ Plong™ ”—short for Penile Longification by Organic Nanogel Growth —and launched it with the world’s first bio-adhesive slogan: “Let’s get things growing.” The Early Struggles Initial sales were... small. Early adopters experienced “side effects,” ranging from uncontrolled twerking to spontaneous pants explosions. Lawsuits mounted. One man’s pants...

There’s a saying that if you’re drowning, a Democrat will throw you a life preserver—with no rope. A Republican will throw one with a rope, but it won’t quite reach. And while the two argue over who tried harder to save you, you're still gasping for air. That’s modern American politics in a nutshell: two sides, both convinced they’re saving the country, while their actions accelerate its decline. The so-called "race to the bottom" isn’t just a catchphrase anymore—it's policy, culture, and ideology in motion, moving at full speed toward mutual destruction. Culturally Lost Culturally, we are in freefall. The left works feverishly to dismantle tradition, enforcing rigid identity politics, demanding purity tests, and policing language in the name of progress. Meanwhile, the right doubles down on tribalism, nostalgia, and fear, often vilifying difference as a threat to "real America." What used to be a shared cultural dialogue has been replaced by parallel mo...

🕰 The Clock Metric™ — A Totally Real Measure of Societal Decay What Is the Clock Metric™? The Clock Metric™ is a groundbreaking, absolutely scientific system that measures the rate of societal decay based on how many different ways you can see the time in your home . That’s right. More clocks = more existential doom. 📈 The Formula SocietalDecayFactor = log(Number of Visible Clocks + 1) × Time Anxiety Level Where: Number of Visible Clocks = Any device that shows time (wall clocks, microwaves, ovens, Fitbits, thermostats, laptops, tablets, cable boxes, smart speakers, etc.) Time Anxiety Level = A number you make up to represent how often you feel like you're already late for something you forgot. ⚠️ Thresholds of Concern Clock Count (Per Room) Societal Stage Description 1–2 Pre-Industrial Bliss You probably churn your own butter. 3–4 Mildly Modern Still savable. Unp...

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE EternaLife™ Unveils First-Ever Nutritional Memorial Shake: “Nourish the Memory” San Francisco, CA — In a bold reimagining of how we honor the departed, biotech-lifestyle startup EternaLife™ has launched the world’s first nutritional protein shake infused with purified remains of loved ones . Dubbed “Nourish the Memory,” the new product line combines grief wellness, sustainable nutrition, and biotech innovation in one heartfelt gulp. “We wanted to help families keep their loved ones close… really close,” said EternaLife CEO Skylar Vayntrub , while sipping a prototype labeled ‘Grandma’s Banana Cream Pie.’ “This is about legacy, love, and lean protein.” The proprietary process—called ReMembrane™ Purification —uses advanced mineral filtration and micro-dispersion to isolate trace calcium phosphates from cremated remains. The mineral is then homeopathically incorporated into a variety of high-protein, plant-based meal replacement shakes, each crafted with ar...