BREAKING: Federal Government Issues New Weight Gain Guidelines — “Backed by Science,” Mandated by Snacks


In a bold move hailed by food lobbyists and questioned by nearly everyone else, the federal government has released new Weight Gain Guidelines, replacing the outdated “diet and exercise” narrative with a more inclusive, calorie-positive vision for America.

According to a 600-page report titled The Strategic National Adiposity Plan, or SNAP (not to be confused with the food assistance program, though confusing the two is encouraged), all adults are now strongly encouraged—borderline required—to gain a minimum of 12 pounds annually, citing the need to “stimulate the economy, promote insulation, and cushion our nation’s fall... in every sense.”

🍔 Science-Backed and Snack-Fueled

“We didn’t arrive at these guidelines overnight,” said Dr. Chad Gloop, head of the newly formed Department of Nutritional Expansion. “We relied on a diverse panel of experts: nutritionists, political donors, and five dudes from a Carl’s Jr. parking lot.”

The report includes hundreds of complex-looking charts with lines that only go up and phrases like “metabolically aspirational consumption” and “body mass sovereignty.”

One graph appears to just be a rising line labeled “Freedom.”

🥤 The Legislation: The Healthy Heft Act

The new standards were quietly passed under the Healthy Heft Act, a 7,000-page omnibus bill attached to legislation meant to protect endangered vending machines.

Key mandates include:

  • Tax penalties for salad purchases (“leafy greens are considered counter-growth”)

  • Subsidies for late-night drive-thru runs

  • A federal holiday called ‘Snacksgiving’ every second Tuesday

Citizens who fail to meet quarterly weight gain benchmarks will receive friendly “compliance nudges,” such as being locked in a Chili’s until they consume their birth weight in molten lava cake.

🍕 Corporate Partnership for Public Good

Fast food chains are already rolling out public service announcements:

“America, it’s your patriotic duty to double-stack your destiny.” — Burger Baron
“Backed by science, grilled in butter.” — Waffleplex™
“Help flatten the curve... by making it a double chin.” — The Soda Coalition of America

A new app, MyBodyQuota, tracks your government-recommended weight gain and alerts you when you fall behind with cheerful notifications like:
🛎 “Uh-oh! You’ve only gained 0.3 lbs this week. Stop resisting progress.”

🧁 Critics Silenced (and Then Fed)

Some critics have questioned the health implications of the plan, citing pesky concerns like “heart disease,” “mobility,” and “pants.”

To counter this, the government deployed its new Adipose Messaging Corps, trained to respond with slogans like:

  • “Fitness is a myth propagated by Big Treadmill.”

  • “Obesity is just potential energy.”

  • “Every pound is a step closer to becoming a beanbag of liberty.”

⚖️ The Future of Fatness

President Snaxwell, standing beside a stack of powdered donuts and wearing an official Department of Bloat windbreaker, declared the initiative “a landmark moment in American consumption.”

“We’ve spent too long being skinny-shamed by vegetables. It’s time to reclaim our natural rotundity.”

In related news, Congress is now 97% recliner seating, and national scales are being recalibrated to display affirmations instead of numbers.

One Nation. Under Lard. With Indulgence and Belly Rolls for All.

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