The Chronicles of B. Vaderi: A Giant Isopod’s Tale

So there I was, just minding my own business. Living the dream. You know, cruising the seafloor, munching on some crustacean leftovers, maybe a nice squid snack here and there. Life was good. Peaceful. Quiet. Nobody knew about me, and that’s exactly how I liked it.

I mean, sure, I’m not what you’d call conventionally attractive. I’ve got the carapace of a tank and the charisma of a damp rock. But down there, in the deep blue depths, nobody judges you. We’re all just creepy critters doing our thing. I was living large—or, well, deep—just the way a supergiant like me was meant to.

But then they showed up. The humans. With their big flashy nets and their bigger appetites. At first, I thought, Meh, they’re just here for the fish. I mean, who would care about a guy like me? But oh, was I wrong. One day, I was chowing down on a particularly delicious whale carcass (a five-star meal, let me tell you), and before I knew it—BAM!—I was snatched up. Just like that. No warning. No time to grab my leftovers.

Next thing I know, I’m in this seafood market. The bright lights, the noise, the smell of fish everywhere—it was like waking up in a nightmare. People were pointing at me, laughing, taking pictures. I heard someone say, “Look at this one! It’s like a pill bug on steroids!” Rude.

Then some scientists bought me. Oh, great, I thought. Maybe they’ll toss me back into the ocean where I belong. But no. They start poking and prodding, measuring every inch of me like I’m some kind of trophy. I overheard them say, “His head looks like Darth Vader’s helmet.” Seriously? That’s what you think of when you look at me? Not, “Wow, what a majestic, mysterious creature.” No. Darth Vader. Thanks a lot.

And then it got worse. They named me Bathynomus vaderi. Now everyone thinks I’m some kind of villain! Do I look like a guy who wants to rule the galaxy? I just want to eat my squid and be left alone!

But oh no, the humans weren’t done. They plastered my face all over the internet. Now I’m a meme. People are calling me “the aquatic cockroach” and saying I look AI-generated. One guy even said I’d pair well with ramen. Ramen! Can you imagine the indignity? I’m a proud carnivore, not someone’s soup garnish!

And now, thanks to my newfound fame, I can’t go anywhere without being gawked at. Every time someone spots one of my cousins, they’re like, “Is that B. Vaderi?!” My relatives are furious. Uncle Jamesi is still the biggest of us, but no one cares anymore. They just want to see me.

So here I am, stuck in this mess, wishing I could go back to the good old days of anonymity and whale carcasses. They say fame comes with a price, but I didn’t ask for any of this.

If you’re reading this, do me a favor: stop eating isopods. Stop turning us into internet jokes. And if you ever see me in the wild again, just look the other way. Let me live my life in peace, one delicious squid at a time.

Sincerely,
B. Vaderi
(Unwilling Star of the Sea)