The Government Cheese Revival Movement


Meet Randy Mucklebee, a 53-year-old forklift operator from Des Moines, Iowa, who had one defining moment in childhood: the glorious taste of a grilled government cheese sandwich on white bread with just a hint of ketchup. From that day on, no cheese ever lived up to that glorious orange block of mystery.

One Tuesday morning, Randy awoke in a cold sweat shouting, “Cheese justice now!” His wife Jolene rolled over and muttered, “Not again, Randy…” But it was too late. Something had awakened in him.

By noon, Randy had legally changed his middle name to Cheddar, printed 5,000 bumper stickers that read "Make Cheese Government Again," and launched a movement he called "The Dairy Underground."

🧀 Phase 1: Awareness

Randy started holding weekly Cheese Vigils in front of the USDA building. He stood solemnly with a giant foam cheese hat and a sign reading:

“They took our blocks. We take back the fridge.”

He passed out cheese-scented pamphlets that included slogans like:

  • “It’s not socialism, it’s snackalism!”

  • “Processed but not forgotten.”

  • “American cheese for American dreams.”

🧀 Phase 2: Activism

Next came CheeseCon ‘25, hosted in his backyard. Over 300 people showed up — mostly confused neighbors who thought it was a fondue party. But they stayed for the 12-foot-tall cheese sculpture of Abraham Lincoln made from melted Velveeta and broken dreams.

Randy gave a passionate speech:

“They told us it was ‘just cheese’. But we knew better. It was solidarity! It was creamy patriotism! It stuck to the roof of your mouth and your soul!”

Crowd went wild. Someone fainted. Possibly due to lactose.

🧀 Phase 3: Direct Action

With the help of rogue lunch ladies from the 80s and an ex-military dairy logistics expert named Colonel Curds, Randy organized a covert mission called “Operation Moo-mentum.”

The plan? Break into an abandoned USDA warehouse in Kansas rumored to still contain the last surviving pallet of government cheese.

They arrived under the cover of darkness, disguised as a school field trip. But as soon as they opened the rusted warehouse doors… there it was. A single block, glowing faintly under a beam of moonlight.

Randy collapsed to his knees.
“Blessed be the brick,” he whispered.

🧀 Phase 4: Repercussions

News of the cheese heist went viral. The Department of Agriculture was not amused. But instead of jail, Randy was offered a Netflix documentary deal:
"Cheesed Off: The Man, The Myth, The Melt."

The film won three awards and inspired Congress to create the Processed Dairy Appreciation Act, which included funding for a limited re-release of government cheese to nostalgic weirdos across the country.

Randy now tours America in a modified RV called “The Cheese Wagon,” handing out grilled sandwiches and yelling into a megaphone:

“I fight for your right to bite!”

He’s been kicked out of 12 Whole Foods locations and married three times. But by golly, he brought the block back.

The End. (Or is it... just the beginning of a lactose-laden revolution?)

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