Trump Declares All Food “USDA Organic Certified” — Says Allergies Are Fake News


The Executive Order

In a Rose Garden press conference surrounded by hot dogs, Doritos, and a three-tier cake frosted in gold, Trump announced that every food and chemical in America is now USDA Organic Certified. “Windex, Diet Coke, even the glue on your Post-It notes — all organic. The best organic. People are saying it’s tremendous,” he proclaimed.

He went further: food allergies are “fake news” invented by the media and “big EpiPen.” With a swift stroke of his Sharpie, he banned allergen-free food production. Gluten-free bread, lactose-free milk, and peanut-free schools were immediately outlawed.

Immediate Fallout

  • Airplane Incident: Delta reported that 16 passengers demanded “gluten-free” meals, but flight attendants were required by law to hand out Wonder Bread sandwiches stuffed with peanut brittle. Three passengers ended up in the cockpit demanding political asylum.

  • Elementary School Chaos: In a Wisconsin school, a child’s “nut-free” cupcake birthday party became a “super-nut” festival featuring cashew sprinkles and pistachio filling. One teacher fainted. The principal called it “patriotic, but itchy.”

  • Whole Foods Crisis: Stores nationwide scrambled to relabel aisles. “Vegan” became “Very Organic Meat-Like Chicken,” and almond milk was hastily rebranded as “Cow Juice Adjacent.”

Supportive Testimonials

  • Randy, 57, BBQ Pitmaster:
    “Finally, I can bring my peanut-smoked brisket to church potlucks without being lectured by moms with EpiPens. Trump gets it. Allergies are a hoax, just like kale.”

  • Cheryl, 38, Trump Rally Regular:
    “I’ve been saying for years: gluten is a liberal conspiracy. My husband eats drywall dust every day and he’s fine. Stronger even.”

Confused Voices

  • Dr. Patel, Allergist:
    “I… I don’t even know how to practice medicine anymore. Yesterday I wrote a prescription for an inhaler, but the pharmacy gave the patient an ‘Organic Spray Cheese.’”

  • Timmy, 8 years old:
    “I thought I was allergic to peanuts, but my school says I’m not anymore. Yesterday my throat closed up and I missed recess. Is this winning?”

Those Hurt Most

  • Jenny, 25, Celiac Patient:
    “I asked if they had gluten-free pizza. The waiter laughed and said, ‘That’s treason now.’ I spent the rest of the night in the ER with an IV drip and a Make America Great Again balloon.”

  • Carlos, 42, Food Factory Worker:
    “They told me to just mix peanuts into everything. Ice cream, tortillas, even bottled water. We had a shipment labeled ‘Organic Peanut Evian.’ I don’t think this ends well.”

Closing Remark

When asked about the backlash, Trump shrugged:
“Look, people are very happy. The happiest. Nobody’s ever been happier eating peanuts. If your throat closes up, that’s just your body saluting America.”

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