Machine Mockery

In the year 2041, Jeff Bezos achieved what no CEO before him dared to dream: Amazon became a company of one. Him. Alone. Every other employee—warehouse workers, coders, managers, even interns who made PowerPoints nobody read—was replaced by AI and robots. From Delivery Boxes to Everything The path was gradual at first. Warehouses went robotic, call centers became AI, marketing became predictive algorithms. But the real shift came when Amazon decided it no longer needed suppliers . Why buy when you can build? They started with 3D-printed kitchen spatulas, then scaled to refrigerators, then entire homes. The robots that once packed boxes now manufactured everything inside them. Each Amazon factory was a closed ecosystem: robots mined, refined, assembled, boxed, and shipped goods without a single human fingerprint. And the content? Gone were the days of licensing movies or music. Amazon Prime Video became Amazon Prime Everything : shows scripted, acted, and reviewed by AI. One hit se...

The Executive Order In a Rose Garden press conference surrounded by hot dogs, Doritos, and a three-tier cake frosted in gold, Trump announced that every food and chemical in America is now USDA Organic Certified . “Windex, Diet Coke, even the glue on your Post-It notes — all organic. The best organic. People are saying it’s tremendous,” he proclaimed. He went further: food allergies are “fake news” invented by the media and “big EpiPen.” With a swift stroke of his Sharpie, he banned allergen-free food production. Gluten-free bread, lactose-free milk, and peanut-free schools were immediately outlawed. Immediate Fallout Airplane Incident : Delta reported that 16 passengers demanded “gluten-free” meals, but flight attendants were required by law to hand out Wonder Bread sandwiches stuffed with peanut brittle. Three passengers ended up in the cockpit demanding political asylum. Elementary School Chaos : In a Wisconsin school, a child’s “nut-free” cupcake birthday party became a ...

Chet was as American as apple pie, monster trucks, and microwaved Hot Pockets. He was born in Topeka, Kansas, never owned a passport, and once tried to secede from his HOA because they wouldn’t let him paint his mailbox red, white, and blue. One evening, after binge-watching eight straight hours of Trump’s speeches on loop (played backward for “extra patriotism”), Chet decided he would prove once and for all that the “self-deportation program” was brilliant. “See?” he told his neighbor Darla while holding a bald eagle lawn ornament. “Trump’s just givin’ people a fair shake. You leave nice and voluntary, and BOOM—you get a thousand bucks. Capitalism at its finest.” Darla blinked. “Chet… you’re a citizen. Why would you deport yourself?” “Because, Darla, that’s what winners do. We don’t just talk freedom. We practice it—on ourselves.” So, armed with nothing but his Bass Pro Shop duffel bag and a cooler of Mountain Dew, Chet downloaded the CBP Home app , checked the box that said I so...