Overqualified and Underemployed: The Epic Saga of Chadwick Von Learnhardt


Meet Chadwick Von Learnhardt, 42, proud holder of eleven degrees, a man of immense knowledge and absolutely no income.

Chadwick’s resume reads like the syllabus of an entire university. “I don’t get it,” he says, sipping herbal tea from a commemorative mug that reads ‘Summa Cum Laude, Class of Spring Break 2010’. “I’ve done everything they told me. I went to school. And then I went to more school. And then I did a PhD on why people go to school.”

He adjusts his limited-edition Philosophy Department hoodie and scrolls through job listings while muttering, “Ugh. Experience required. What even is that?”

Degrees Chadwick Holds:

  • BA in Interpretive Mime Theory

  • MA in Medieval Food Criticism

  • PhD in Theoretical Canoeing

  • Certificate in Postmodern Origami

  • Minor in Cryptozoological Accounting

  • MFA in Performance Knitting

  • JD in Maritime Bird Law (Online)

  • Dual Masters in Existential Crisis Management

  • Doctorate in Non-Linear Basket Weaving

  • Post-doc Fellowship in Anachronistic Futurism

  • Honorary Degree in Applied Overthinking

“I applied to be a barista,” Chadwick sighs. “They said I was too intense. Apparently, asking customers if they’d like a Venti cup of nihilism with their latte comes off as a little... ‘dark.’”

In a recent job interview, when asked about practical skills, Chadwick proudly demonstrated his ability to fold a resume into a swan while quoting Derrida. The interviewer silently closed their laptop and whispered, “Good luck out there.”

Chadwick’s parents, now living quietly in a modest RV parked outside the last campus he attended, remain supportive. “We just want him to be happy,” says his mother. “And ideally, not enrolled in another master's program called ‘The Psychology of Decision Paralysis’.”

Today, Chadwick is starting a podcast titled “Hire Me, Probably” where he reads his dissertation over lo-fi beats. He’s also considering a new PhD in “Why Capitalism Fears Knowledge.”

Until then, Chadwick remains an inspiration to students everywhere who dream of living in a library, covered in debt, and completely unaware that LinkedIn has a “Jobs” tab.

Coming next semester: “Chadwick Goes Corporate: A One-Man Play in Three PowerPoints.”

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