Apple Unveils the iScroll™ — The First Phone You Literally Unroll Like a Scroll


Cupertino, CA — At this morning’s much-anticipated product launch, Apple stunned the world with its boldest innovation since the removal of the headphone jack: the iScroll™, a revolutionary device that finally returns us to our roots — by allowing users to physically scroll.

“Inspired by ancient knowledge and modern boredom,” announced CEO Tim Cook, standing beside what looked suspiciously like a papyrus tube with an OLED glow, “the iScroll lets you feel your feed again.”

How It Works:

The iScroll is a flexible 12-foot-long rollable screen that comes wound around two carbon-fiber cylinders. When you want to use it, you grasp both ends, pull, and whoosh! — your TikTok timeline physically unfurls before you, one meme at a time.

Need to respond to a message at the bottom of the screen? Simply scroll in the biblical sense by manually rerolling the top while unspooling the bottom.

Features:

  • Unprecedented Display Real Estate: Up to 12 vertical feet of uninterrupted social media per pull.

  • Tactile Finger Fatigue: Finally feel like you're doing something again.

  • ASMR Satisfying Crinkle™ Technology: Sounds like ancient scrolls, feels like the future.

Potential Issues Already Emerging:

  • The Dreaded Scroll Jam: Users report that once fully extended, the iScroll can take up to 3 hours to reroll manually, or never if you lose the winding crank, which is sold separately for $79.99.

  • Entanglement Lawsuits: Early adopters have already suffered iScroll-related injuries. One man in Fresno tripped on his extended device and accidentally watched 46 minutes of “floor TikTok” before being rescued.

  • Public Unrolling Etiquette: New signage is appearing in cafes: “Please keep iScroll unspooling to under 3 feet during brunch hours.”

  • Social Distancing Panic: Users unscrolling in public have caused widespread alarm as the device spans into multiple personal spaces and public restrooms simultaneously.

Early Reviews Are Mixed:

  • “I love it. I feel like a digital Moses,” said tech influencer @ByteMeBro.

  • “Mine unraveled at a funeral and autoplayed cat videos across the casket,” reported another user, tearfully.

Competing Models:

Samsung responded within hours, teasing their upcoming “Galaxy Torah” — a dual-roller phone that comes with built-in chanting and gilded end caps. Meanwhile, Google announced the “Pixel Papyrus,” which bursts into flames if you try to screenshot copyrighted content.

Final Thoughts:

As Apple ushers in the new age of literal scrolling, experts predict a cultural shift. “It’s about time we got back to manually unrolling the truth,” said one professor of Media Archaeology. “Plus, finally a phone that doubles as a yoga mat.”

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