Y’all Ain’t Ready for This: The Official English Debacle

Trump Signs Executive Order Making English the Official Language—Chaos Ensues Over Which English

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Donald J. Trump, in an unprecedented return to the political stage, has signed an executive order declaring English the official language of the United States. The announcement was met with thunderous applause from his base, who had long feared that America was on the verge of succumbing to Spanish, French, or—God forbid—Canadian English.

However, the victory was short-lived. Within minutes, infighting erupted among the very Republicans who championed the move, as they realized no one had agreed on which English would be the official tongue.

The Southern Secession (Again)

Leading the charge for “True American English” was Senator Bubba Ray McGraw (R-AL), who insisted that Southern English, specifically “Alabamian Patriot Tongue,” was the most authentic form of English in America.

"If y’all ain't gon’ talk right, then y’all ain't gon’ talk at all,” McGraw declared in a fiery speech on the Senate floor, slamming his fist on a bottle of sweet tea for emphasis. He then proposed a secondary clause in the executive order banning “fancy talkin’” in all government proceedings.

However, McGraw’s faction soon split when a group from Appalachian Tennessee, led by Representative Cletus Wiggins (R-TN), accused Alabama of “highfalutin English” and insisted that real American English had to include “holler talk,” which consists of phrases like “git on outta here” and “done been.”

“We cain’t be lettin’ them folks up in Washington dictate how we be talkin’," Wiggins shouted, his sentence nearly unintelligible, drawing chants of "YEE-HAW" from his supporters.

Texas Demands Its Own English

Not to be outdone, Texas Governor Buck "Six-Shooter" Caldwell demanded that Texan English be the official language of the Republic (his word). This would mandate that every sentence end with "bless your heart" and that the phrase "fixin' to" replace all instances of "going to."

“Y’all don’t understand,” Caldwell argued, adjusting his ten-gallon hat. “If we let them Yankees define American English, we’ll be forced to say ‘you guys’ instead of ‘y’all.’ That’s a fate worse than socialism.”

The Texan contingent then threatened to secede again, citing linguistic oppression.

Elon Musk Weighs In

In an unexpected twist, billionaire and Twitter warlord Elon Musk inserted himself into the debate, tweeting, “Obviously, the most logical version of English is South African Techno-Linguistic Muskian Dialect. #FreeSpeech #Dogecoin 🚀.”

When pressed on what this meant, Musk explained in a live-streamed, AI-generated PowerPoint presentation that "English should be optimized for maximum efficiency,” and suggested removing all vowels, replacing them with binary code, and incorporating a mild Tesla hum at the end of each sentence.

“This is the language of the future," Musk declared, blinking erratically. "All government documents should be written in a combination of memes, cryptographic hash functions, and Grimes lyrics."

At this point, Senator McGraw from Alabama attempted to challenge Musk to a fistfight, but Musk simply responded, “Cry harder, Bubba,” before launching himself into the sky via jetpack.

The Great California Ban

Meanwhile, the only thing the warring factions could agree on was the need to explicitly ban California English from any and all government communications.

An amendment was swiftly added to the executive order, stating that any official document containing the words “like,” “hella,” or “literally” would be immediately shredded by the Pentagon.

“You cannot run a country with a government that says ‘literally dying’ when they mean ‘slightly inconvenienced,’” declared Speaker of the House Boomer MacGillicutty (R-KY). “And don’t even get me started on ‘hella.’ That word is witchcraft.”

California Governor Gavin Newsom responded to the attack, saying, “Uh, okay, that’s, like, literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” before retreating to his Napa Valley bunker.

The New York-Florida Showdown

Adding fuel to the linguistic fire, New Yorkers insisted that New York English should be the standard, with every federal document including phrases like “fuhgeddaboudit” and “what are YOU lookin’ at?”

Florida, in response, declared that Floridian English would be the best choice, as it consists entirely of old people complaining about the government and drunk spring breakers screaming, “BROOOOOO!”

The two sides met for an official debate, which ended in a fistfight at a Waffle House.

The Aftermath

With the country in total linguistic anarchy, Trump attempted to calm the chaos by suggesting that the new official language should simply be his English.

“Look, folks, nobody speaks English better than me. Many people are saying this,” Trump declared. “So I think we should all just speak like me—very strong, very tremendous, the best words. Perfect English. Believe me.”

A stunned silence followed.

Then, in the first truly bipartisan moment in recent history, every faction unanimously rejected Trump’s proposal.

Musk responded with a laughing emoji.

And so, America remains a country without a singular English language, but with a hella good story to tell.

The End.