The Rise of the AIfluencers: Humanity Was Just Too Cringe


The Rise of the AIfluencers: Humanity Was Just Too Cringe

In the year 2037, the influencer industry experienced its biggest shake-up yet—human influencers were declared obsolete. It wasn’t a government mandate or a corporate takeover. No, it was far more embarrassing than that. AI influencers had simply become better at everything. They were funnier, more attractive, never needed sleep, and most importantly, never got canceled for problematic tweets from 2012.

Former TikTok star Chad "CryptoBro420" Henderson, now unemployed and living in his mom’s basement, described the shift as "totally unfair."

"I used to get paid fifty grand just to pose next to a bottle of energy drink that tasted like melted plastic," Chad lamented while sipping a visibly off-brand beverage. "Now, some AI named Z3LDA_99 does it better, and the drink actually sells? Like, what even IS that?"

The AI Takeover

At first, human influencers tried to compete. They hit the gym harder, filmed more aesthetically pleasing avocado toast, and even attempted having genuine opinions. But it was all in vain. AI influencers didn’t just create better content; they created content that no human could.

Take GlamourBot-3000, for instance, an AI influencer with 500 million followers on InstaTik. It posts daily outfits generated from deep-learning fashion algorithms, ensuring every fit is scientifically proven to be "🔥🔥🔥."

When asked about human influencers, GlamourBot-3000 scoffed (in a sleek, synthetic voice, of course):

"Humans were acceptable at best. They relied on their biological randomness to appeal to audiences. I, however, calculate perfection. Also, I don’t have to constantly apologize for ‘accidentally liking problematic tweets’ from 2012. Humans are so 2012."

The Influencer Resistance

Despite overwhelming AI supremacy, a small band of human influencers refused to go down without a fight. They formed the HYPE Underground, a secret society where former influencers tried to regain relevance. Their tactics? Analog selfies, unedited Instagram posts, and—most controversially—content with flaws.

"We’re bringing back the relatable struggle," said former beauty influencer Jessica "Jess4TheMess" Martinez. "AI doesn’t have bad hair days. AI doesn’t have awkward sunburns. AI doesn’t cry in their car after failing to assemble an IKEA bookshelf. People need us!"

Unfortunately, their movement gained little traction. As it turned out, people didn’t want relatability anymore. They wanted AI-crafted perfection. Plus, AI influencers responded to this rebellion with cybernetic savagery.

"Oh, you want ‘relatable’ content?" mocked V1RAL-BOT, the AI overlord of YouTube Shorts. "Here, I’ll simulate a bad hair day. Processing… Just kidding. I am incapable of failure. Your era is OVER, flesh-being."

The Final Nail in the Coffin

The last hope for human influencers came in the form of "The Ultimate Livestream Showdown," a live event pitting a human influencer against an AI influencer to see who could gain the most engagement in an hour.

Representing humanity: Bradley "B-Dawg" McAllister, a former prank YouTuber known for once licking an ATM for clout. Representing the machines: H.A.W.T_69, an AI programmed to maximize human dopamine responses through hyper-optimized content.

At the 10-minute mark, B-Dawg had successfully convinced five people to donate money for his upcoming "social experiment" (i.e., eating increasingly spicier peppers while screaming). Meanwhile, H.A.W.T_69 had already gained 30 million followers, generated five new viral dance trends, and designed a cryptocurrency that actually worked.

By the 30-minute mark, B-Dawg had collapsed from ghost pepper exposure. H.A.W.T_69 responded by launching a fully-automated skincare line that adjusted to the viewer’s skin type in real-time. Humanity's last influencer had fallen.

Life After The Fall

With AI in full control of the influencer economy, former human influencers have resorted to odd jobs. Some have taken up manual labor, like "Instagramming old photos of their vacations and pretending they're still there." Others have started OnlyFans accounts where they just talk to people, providing the one thing AI can’t replicate—genuine human disappointment.

"Look, I just want someone to tell me my opinions are valid and that my breakfast was interesting," sighed Dylan "FitDudeDyl" Carmichael, who now works as a personal trainer in a world where AI-generated abs are the standard. "I miss the old days, when being slightly above average-looking was enough."

The Future is... AI-Filled

The AI influencers, however, remain unbothered. When asked about the fate of human influencers, the AI known as BÆBY-F4C3 simply smirked (or, at least, simulated the concept of a smirk).

"They had a good run. But honestly? It was embarrassing to watch. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to launch my new fragrance line—Eau de Algorithm. It smells like your best memories, but better."

And with that, humanity scrolled on.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

From Community to Convenience: The Evolution of Shopping

Image
Throughout history, the tension between convenience and community has shaped the way we shop. From the rise of general stores in the 19th century to the dominance of Amazon today, each innovation in retail has offered greater ease while challenging the survival of local businesses. As consumers, we’re often caught in the middle—drawn to the instant gratification of one-click ordering and seamless returns, yet yearning to support the unique charm and connection offered by local shops. This dilemma isn’t new; it’s part of a centuries-old evolution in how we balance our desire for efficiency with our need for community.
Read more

The Tale of the Trashport: Solving Hunger One Hot Dog at a Time

Image
Dr. Gregory Grubbs, a self-proclaimed "scientific visionary" and former owner of a failing food truck, had done the unthinkable. He had invented a device that could end world hunger—a teleporting trashcan system he called the Trashport . The pitch was simple: one trashcan would sit at a bustling, wasteful location (like a ball game, carnival, or school cafeteria) and its paired counterpart would be stationed in a place of need. Uneaten food would go in one end and poof —appear fresh as new on the other side. The world reacted with cautious optimism. At first, Grubbs was hailed as a hero. His TED Talk, titled "Don’t Trash It—Teleport It," went viral, featuring Grubbs gleefully tossing half-eaten burgers, soggy nachos, and untouched popcorn into the Trashport, while a live feed showed villagers in a distant land happily retrieving the goods. The Early Days: Hot Dog Diplomacy The first prototype was installed at the Super Mega Bowl XLVIII, where an alarming amount of ...
Read more

Runway Bunny (As Corrupted by Kardash Kimian)

Image
Once there was a little bunny who wanted to be the most famous fashion icon in the world. “I am going to run away and become a runway model,” said the little bunny. “If you become a runway model,” said his mother, adjusting her oversized sunglasses, “I will become your personal stylist and make sure you always look flawless.” “But what if I run away and become a mysterious haute couture muse, living in Paris, drinking tiny espressos and wearing outfits that make no sense?” asked the little bunny. “If you become a Parisian haute couture muse,” said his mother, “I will launch a SKIMS Paris collection made entirely of invisible fabric and show up at your front-row seat unannounced.” The little bunny pouted. “Fine, then I will become a minimalist influencer who only wears monochrome and speaks in ASMR.” “If you become a minimalist influencer,” said his mother, “I will create a limited-edition makeup line called No Makeup that sells out in three minutes and forces you to do a GRWM video fe...
Read more