🚀🥚“The Resurrection of Branding” — Trump, Musk Turn White House Easter Egg Roll into Capitalist Spectacle of Biblical Proportions🥚🚀


Washington, D.C. — In a bold reimagining of the traditional White House Easter Egg Roll, former President Donald Trump and tech mogul Elon Musk unveiled their co-produced event: "The Great American Resurrection™: Powered by Tesla, Blessed by SpaceX, and Spiritually Audited by Truth Social."

What was once a quaint event featuring children gently rolling pastel eggs across the South Lawn has now been elevated to a pyrotechnic-packed, influencer-infested megashow complete with drone light displays, egg NFTs, and a SpaceX rocket prepped to launch a commemorative golden Fabergé egg into low-Earth orbit.

“This is what Jesus would have wanted,” Trump declared from a 100-foot LED cross-shaped stage built entirely from reclaimed Tesla door panels. “We’ve taken the egg roll and made it... resurrected, okay? Like Easter. Like the greatest comeback story of all time. Not just Jesus — me too, frankly.”

Children, instead of hunting for plastic eggs, were each handed a luxury “Golden Egg”, forged in a limited-edition Trump Tower gold alloy (“99.3% gold, .7% Diet Coke,” said the promotional pamphlet). Each egg was filled with a mystery prize — ranging from a coupon for 5% off a used Cybertruck to a signed copy of “The Art of the Deal: New Resurrection Edition.”

In the spirit of modern tradition, social media influencers swarmed the event, livestreaming every moment in full glam with hashtags like #HolyRollers, #EggsOverEasyMoney, and #RisenAndGrind. One influencer, dressed in a $7,000 sequined bunny outfit from the Kim Kardashian Signature Salvation Line™, told followers: “Easter isn’t about eggs, it’s about engagement.”

To cap off the celebration, Elon Musk took to the stage — descending slowly from the sky in a Tesla-branded hover-throne, flanked by animatronic lambs powered by Dogecoin — and announced the launch of “Egg X,” a blockchain-based fertility and holiday metaverse startup.

“Jesus walked on water,” Musk said. “Soon, your avatar will too — in the metaverse. And it’ll be carbon neutral.”

When questioned by reporters about the religious appropriateness of the event, Trump was quick to clarify:
“People don’t understand, okay? Easter isn’t just about old bread and sandals. It’s about winners. About making miracles happen with branding. I mean, if Christ came back today, he’d absolutely partner with us. Maybe he’d have his own line of Yeez—I mean, Jesus sneakers. Limited run. Holy soles.”

As a gospel-EDM remix of “He Is Risen (Like Our Stock Prices)” played over the loudspeakers, Trump raised his arms and concluded, “This is the most sacred, most luxurious Easter ever. Possibly of all time.”

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