Dead Man’s Glitch

It was a normal Tuesday morning at CloudVault, the world’s most trusted “posthumous data release” service, when all hell broke loose.

At exactly 9:03 AM, a rogue update to their servers triggered The Great Digital Grim Reaper Malfunction of 2025. In layman’s terms? Every single stored file was instantly released—whether the user was dead or not.

Across the world, people were suddenly receiving unexpected emails from “beyond the grave.”

The Secrets Start Pouring In

In Kansas, Mark Dunleavy sat down for his morning coffee when his inbox dinged. It was an email from his very-much-alive wife, Susan.

Subject: If You’re Reading This, I’m Dead
Hey honey, if you’re seeing this, it means I’ve finally kicked the bucket. First of all, don’t let Aunt Carol touch my jewelry. That woman is a thief. Second, I’ve been faking my love for your mother’s meatloaf for 15 years. I’ve been flushing it down the toilet when you weren’t looking. I can’t die with that on my conscience. Also, remember that “yoga retreat” in 2019? Yeah, that was actually me and Karen going to Vegas. Please don’t be mad. Love you!

Mark immediately dropped his coffee mug, shattering it into a thousand pieces. His wife, who was brushing her teeth in the next room, heard his scream and came running.

“Oh my god, Susan!” he gasped. “You’re…alive?”

“Yeah? Of course I am?”

“Then why did I just get an email from you admitting you’ve been secretly drowning my mother’s meatloaf for over a decade?”

The look on Susan’s face said it all.

A Global Disaster Unfolds

The chaos wasn’t limited to Kansas. Within minutes, the CloudVault disaster was tearing apart friendships, families, and entire corporate boardrooms.

• In New York, CEO Tim Branning received a scheduled “death message” from his CFO:

  If you’re reading this, Tim, it means I’ve passed away. Also, I have to tell you—I’ve been embezzling from the company for three years. By the time you see this, I will be beyond the law’s reach. So long, sucker!

  Tim frantically picked up his phone. “JIM! You’re alive?!?”

  “Uh… yeah?” came Jim’s very nervous voice.

  “Then why the hell did I just get an email about your criminal activity?”

  “Oh. Uhh… how bad is it?”

  “BAD, JIM. VERY BAD.”

  That was the moment Jim’s office door burst open. Two federal agents stood there, looking less than amused.

• In London, Father Thomas Gallagher was preparing for Sunday mass when his phone vibrated.

  Dear parishioners, if you are reading this, I have passed into the loving arms of our Lord. But before I go, I must confess something. Remember that whole ‘accidentally burning down the bingo hall’ scandal in 2008? Yeah… I did it on purpose. Those old ladies were getting too competitive, and I couldn’t take it anymore.

  “Oh dear,” Father Gallagher muttered, before realizing that this email had been sent to every single person in his congregation.

Meanwhile, At CloudVault HQ…

CloudVault’s tech support lines were melting down. CEO Rachel Corman stood in the middle of the crisis room, watching the horror unfold on the big screen.

“WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?” she screamed.

One of the engineers, a guy named Steve, slowly raised his hand. “Uh… so, funny story… I think I accidentally pushed a patch that skipped the ‘confirm death’ step.”

Rachel’s face drained of color. “You did what?”

Steve gulped. “Technically, I made everyone ‘deceased’ for about 45 seconds, and… um… it kinda triggered every scheduled email.”

“YOU JUST TURNED OUR COMPANY INTO A GLOBAL APOCALYPSE MACHINE!”

The horror continued rolling in:

• In Los Angeles, a man received a video from his perfectly alive best friend. The message? A heartfelt confession that he was the one who scratched his Ferrari back in 2016 and had been blaming the neighbor ever since.
• In Tokyo, a woman got an email from her very alive husband, admitting that his entire hairline had been fake for years—painstakingly drawn on every morning with waterproof marker.
• In Chicago, a young woman received a message from her grandma’s cat. Turns out, the grandma had written an elaborate fake letter from the cat's perspective, saying “I never liked you. I only tolerated you for the treats.”

The Aftermath

CloudVault’s legal team was working overtime trying to contain the damage.

By noon, #DeadMansGlitch was trending worldwide, and angry mobs had gathered outside CloudVault’s headquarters, demanding answers.

Rachel grabbed Steve by the collar. “Fix. This. NOW.”

Steve hesitated. “Uh… so… technically, we can’t ‘undo’ this. You see, once an email is sent—”

“STEVE.”

“Right! I’ll… I’ll fix it.”

Meanwhile, across the world, millions of people were dealing with the fallout. Relationships were in shambles. Lawsuits were being filed. One guy even faked his own death just to escape the drama.

As for Mark and Susan in Kansas?

Well, Susan found out that Mark secretly hated her lasagna—but had been eating it for 15 years out of love.

So, despite everything, they called it even.

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MORAL OF THE STORY

If you’re going to store your deep, dark secrets in the cloud… maybe don’t.

Because one little glitch?

And your whole life could come crashing down.