Trump’s Asteroid Defense Force: Making Earth Safe Again


Mar-a-Lago, Florida – February 2025

At a hastily arranged press conference on the steps of his Mar-a-Lago estate, former President Donald J. Trump took to the microphone, his golden hair flowing heroically in the ocean breeze. The gathered crowd—wearing matching red, white, and blue "Asteroid? NOT ON MY WATCH!" t-shirts—erupted into applause as he raised a single, powerful hand.

“Folks, let me tell you something, okay? NASA, the fake news media, all these so-called scientists with their little telescopes, they’re running around in circles saying an asteroid is coming. An asteroid! Can you believe it? A very bad asteroid. Possibly the worst asteroid in history—some are even saying it's worse than the one that took out the dinosaurs. But let me tell you something, folks. We’re not dinosaurs! We’re Americans!"

The crowd roared. A man in a cowboy hat fired his AR-15 into the air.

Trump continued, gesturing with the confidence of a man who once negotiated a peace deal with North Korea over a cheeseburger.

“And what are the scientists doing? Nothing! NOTHING, folks! They’re just looking at it! Probably making charts! Graphs! You know who loves charts? Joe Biden. Probably sitting in his basement, looking at charts, eating soup. Very weak. Very sleepy. But let me tell you what we’re going to do."

He leaned forward, lowering his voice.

“We’re going to shoot it. That’s right, folks. We’re going to shoot the asteroid. Right out of the sky. BOOM. Just like that. We have the Second Amendment! We have the best bullets, the most beautiful bullets! No other country has bullets like we do! And I know my great, fantastic, hard-working, wonderful, perfect supporters…they’ve got plenty of guns. Am I right?"

The crowd erupted in cheers, holding up an impressive display of firearms ranging from hunting rifles to homemade bazookas labeled Trump 2024-2028-2032.

“That’s why I’m announcing Operation Shoot The Sky—every Patriot, every gun owner, every red-blooded American with an AR-15, a Glock, a musket, I don’t care what it is—get outside on December 22nd, look up, and let’s give this asteroid a good ol’ American welcome.”

At this, Trump made a finger-gun gesture and mimicked a pew pew sound. The crowd went wild.

“The media is going to say, ‘Oh, Mr. Trump, this is impossible!’ But folks, they said I couldn’t win in 2016, and then I did. They said my steaks wouldn’t sell—but they did. They said an asteroid couldn’t be shot down by a million Patriots exercising their Second Amendment rights…but guess what? WE’RE GONNA DO IT, FOLKS!”

At that moment, Marjorie Taylor Greene rushed the stage, holding up a laminated picture of the asteroid with a scope reticle drawn on it.

“Sir, I have a plan! We launch Space Force’s best lasers, combined with a million AR-15s, and it will be a meteor MAGA-clysmic event!”

Trump nodded sagely. “Tremendous idea. The best idea. You know, we should have done this with the Chinese spy balloon, but no, the Democrats said we had to ‘analyze’ it. Boring!”

The plan was set. The Trump campaign immediately began selling “I Shot the Asteroid (and the FBI)” t-shirts. Millions of gun owners prepared for battle. Fox News aired an exclusive segment titled “Can YOU Shoot the Asteroid from Your Backyard? We Ask a Guy in Alabama”.

Meanwhile, at NASA, scientists sat in stunned silence, rubbing their temples. One intern slowly raised a hand.

“Uh…should we tell them that the asteroid is moving at 40,000 miles per hour and bullets don’t work in space?”

The lead scientist sighed. “Not worth it. Let’s just tell Elon Musk.”

As the big day arrived, the night sky filled with gunfire as millions of Americans pointed their weapons upwards and fired. Bullets whizzed into the atmosphere, fireworks exploded, Kid Rock played a celebratory concert, and somewhere, a very confused flock of geese met an unfortunate fate.

Did it work?

Well, no. But Trump went on TV the next day and declared victory anyway.

“Folks, we did it! The asteroid is gone! It was so scared of us, it just kept going! NASA is saying it ‘missed Earth by 100,000 miles’—but guess what? It only missed because we scared it away! Another perfect victory. And guess what? The asteroid was probably a Democrat anyway.”

And just like that, America celebrated yet another historic MAGA moment.

The End.

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