Trump Redefines "DEI" to Fit His Vision of America

MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In a groundbreaking press conference held at his golden-draped Mar-a-Lago estate, former President Donald J. Trump took to the stage to unveil what he called “the greatest, most tremendous redefinition of DEI that anyone’s ever seen.” The acronym, traditionally standing for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, has become a frequent target of Trump’s criticism, blamed for everything from economic downturns to his golf scores, to plane crashes. But in a shocking twist, Trump announced that he would no longer be attacking DEI. Instead, he was reclaiming it.

“DEI. People used to say it was a bad thing. A very bad thing. But folks, we’re taking it back. We’re making DEI something beautiful again,” Trump declared, waving his hands as if shaping an imaginary bust of himself. “No more of this woke nonsense. From now on, DEI means Desirability, Elegance, and Importance—the three most important things in any person, anywhere.”

D – Desirability

Trump, always one to emphasize the importance of appearances, explained that the new DEI would ensure that America’s workforce, political figures, and media personalities reflect what he called “real American values.”

“You’ve got to look the part, folks,” he said, shaking his head disapprovingly. “You can’t have some weak, nerdy guy running a company. That’s why we love strong, masculine, totally powerful men—men who can walk into a room and make everyone say, ‘Wow, now that’s a man!’ Just like me, by the way. Some people say I’m the most desirable man ever. Not me, but people say it.”

As for women, Trump outlined strict new standards. “We’re talking about the most beautiful, stunning, knockout women. Women who, when you see them, you say, ‘Wow, she could be a model. She should be on a magazine.’ Not like those radical feminists with the short hair—what’s that about? What happened to the days when women looked good?”

E – Elegance

The second pillar of Trump’s redefined DEI is Elegance. “We need people who understand class,” Trump continued. “If you’re going to be a leader, a CEO, a senator, whatever, you gotta have the right look. Think of my great friends—Ivanka, Melania, Don Jr. He’s got that strong look, very elegant. If you’re in politics and you look like a slob, you’re out.”

Trump lamented what he called the “casualization of America,” blaming hoodies, glasses, and “guys with beards who look like they haven’t shaved since the Obama years.”

“Look at my people,” Trump gestured toward his entourage, including several tan, square-jawed men in tailored suits and women who looked like they had stepped out of a 1980s modeling catalog. “This is what America should be! Elegance! Not these scruffy, overweight people who look like they came from a socialist rally.”

I – Importance

The final tenet of Trump’s DEI is Importance, which he claims will ensure that America values “the right kind of people.”

“We can’t have just anybody taking up space in this country. We need people who matter,” Trump explained. “People who have real power, who know how to make deals, who know how to win. Like me. Like my friends. Like the guys who own skyscrapers, golf courses, beauty pageants—you know, successful people.”

Trump assured the audience that under his leadership, those who don’t meet his new DEI standards wouldn’t be left out entirely. “We’ll have a place for the others, don’t worry. Maybe in the background somewhere. But the spotlight should always be on the best-looking, most elegant, and most important people. That’s how America wins again.”

Reactions to Trump’s New DEI

Critics were quick to respond, with many calling the redefinition “comically absurd.” Political analysts pointed out that Trump’s interpretation of DEI seemed to align more with a high school popularity contest than a serious policy shift.

“It's like he took the hiring criteria for a reality TV show and applied it to the entire country,” said one political commentator. “If you don’t look like a contestant from The Apprentice, you’re out.”

Meanwhile, supporters at the rally enthusiastically embraced the new framework, with some even proposing a DEI rating system to rank citizens based on their adherence to Trump’s beauty standards. “This is what America has been missing,” said one man in a red Make Elegance Great Again hat. “It’s time we got rid of all these ugly people making decisions for us.”

Final Thoughts

Trump closed out his announcement with his signature bravado. “Folks, this is going to be the most beautiful, most incredible DEI in the history of DEIs. Everyone’s saying it. The media won’t admit it, but they know. We’re making America handsome again, we’re making America glamorous again, and we’re making America important again.”

As Trump exited the stage, flanked by an entourage of bronzed, muscle-bound men and meticulously contoured women, political observers noted that while his new DEI may not improve diversity or inclusion, it will certainly make for some strikingly symmetrical press conferences.