Dr. Chadwick’s Totally Not Vampiric, 100% Scientific Blood Smoothie Experiment!


Dr. Chadwick “Chad” Hemoglo was no ordinary scientist. By day, he was a self-proclaimed biohacker with a PhD in Biochemistry (from an institution nobody could quite verify), and by night, he was a viral influencer known for his outrageous experiments. From attempting to photosynthesize by covering himself in green algae to surviving a week on nothing but vape juice, Chad was always pushing the limits of science—and common sense.

But his latest endeavor, the 30-Day Self-Sustaining Blood Diet, was his boldest yet.

"This, my dudes," Chad declared in his latest video, adjusting the camera for dramatic effect, "is the future of human sustainability. No more wasting money on food. No more reliance on grocery stores. We are the FOOD."

His hypothesis was simple, if completely insane: by drawing a pint of his own blood every day, processing it into a digestible form (details vague), and then consuming it, he could achieve biological equilibrium—a self-sustaining cycle of nourishment.

Day 1 began with enthusiasm. Chad streamed himself extracting his first pint while blasting electronic lo-fi beats. He then blended it into what he called "Hemoglo-Smoothie 1.0" (with a dash of salt for taste).

Day 3: "Guys, I feel AMAZING. I have literally never had this much energy before. Who knew all the nutrients we need were inside us all along?"

Day 7: Chad’s skin started looking a little… pale. His followers noticed.

"Bro, are you okay? You look like a wax statue."
"Wait, are your teeth getting pointier?"
"Someone check if this dude is growing a cape."

Chad dismissed the concerns. "Nah, this is just my body becoming hyper-efficient at using my own lifeblood energy."

Day 10: He reported an odd craving for raw steak. "Not gonna lie, I licked a pack of ground beef at Whole Foods just to see what would happen. Pretty sure my body just wants iron."

Day 15: Critics from the scientific community began to weigh in.

"This is medically impossible."
"Chad is just slowly turning into a very enthusiastic corpse."
"He should be DEAD by now."

But Chad refused to stop. "Haters don’t get it. I’m evolving. My skin’s just adapting. I sleep hanging upside down now, but that’s just a better spinal alignment strategy."

Day 20: Strange things started happening.

  • He no longer cast a reflection in his bathroom mirror.
  • His dog refused to come near him.
  • He could suddenly read people’s thoughts (but only if they were thinking about garlic).

Day 25: "Big news, guys. I haven’t needed to breathe for like an hour. My body has reached the next level of biological efficiency."

Day 30: The grand finale. Chad claimed victory, stating he had cracked the code to perpetual self-nourishment. "I have transcended mortality, guys. I am the food. The food is me. I am infinite."

Unfortunately, right after that, his landlord burst into his apartment with a crucifix, demanding he vacate the premises because "the neighbors kept hearing ungodly screeching at night."

Chad’s channel went mysteriously silent after that. Some say he fled to Transylvania. Others claim he lurks in Whole Foods' refrigerated aisle, sniffing the raw liver section.

One thing is certain: no one ever attempted the Self-Sustaining Blood Diet again.

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