OSHA’s New Standards Aim to Protect Workers From Everything… Including Productivity

In a bold move to ensure worker safety reaches unprecedented levels, OSHA has introduced a new set of workplace standards so comprehensive that tools, machinery, and even jobs themselves have been rendered practically unusable. While safety advocates hail the rules as a victory for humanity, critics argue they may have gone just a tad too far.

The Revolutionary Step Ladder Policy

The days of reaching high places are officially over. According to OSHA’s new “Step Ladder Safety Act,” workers are now prohibited from using any step on a ladder higher than the first.

“Ladders are inherently dangerous,” said OSHA spokesperson Gail Cautionary. “The risk of falling from as high as two feet was unacceptable. Our data suggests that most workplace injuries occur when people actually use ladders as intended. By limiting usage to the first step, we’ve effectively reduced ladder-related injuries by 100%.”

Construction workers have already expressed concern. “I needed a ladder to hang drywall in a room with a 10-foot ceiling,” said one frustrated contractor. “Now, I just awkwardly jump while holding a power drill.”

OSHA suggests using stilts to fill the gap. “We’re considering a stilt regulation soon,” added Cautionary.

The “No Tool Contact” Rule

Under the new “Zero Interaction” policy, workers must maintain a minimum of 12 inches between their hands and any tool. To achieve this, OSHA recommends the use of 3D-printed extenders or robotic arms operated remotely.

Electricians trying to strip wires and plumbers tightening fittings have struggled to adapt. “I spent three hours using a remote-controlled wrench to tighten a single bolt,” said one exasperated technician. “And then the wrench caught fire because I forgot to operate the fire extinguisher drone.”

Hard Hat Hazard Reduction

Acknowledging that hard hats can occasionally cause minor neck strain or, ironically, fall off and injure someone, OSHA has rebranded them as “stationary head deflectors.” Workers must now affix hard hats to their heads with industrial-strength adhesives before starting any task.

“It’s safer,” OSHA insists. “Sure, your hair will never grow back, but isn’t that a small price to pay for safety?”

Forklifts and Speed Limits

Forklift operators now face a new challenge: a maximum speed limit of 0.5 miles per hour. Additionally, every forklift must emit a soothing lullaby to prevent startling bystanders.

“We understand this might slow down warehouse operations,” admitted Cautionary. “But the key is to minimize risk. Plus, think of all the steps workers will get on their Fitbits as they walk to their destinations instead!”

Confined Spaces: Bubble Wrap Required

Working in confined spaces like tanks or tunnels? You’ll now need to coat the entire area in three layers of bubble wrap. OSHA also mandates that workers wear full-body padded suits to prevent minor bruises.

A sewer maintenance crew expressed concerns. “We tried bubble-wrapping the whole system, but the methane gas caused the wrap to explode,” said one worker. OSHA’s solution? “Fewer sewers.”

Mandatory Job Intermissions

Lastly, OSHA has mandated that all workers must take a 15-minute break after every 10 minutes of work. These breaks must occur in OSHA-certified “Break Pods,” equipped with ergonomic chairs, ambient lighting, and pre-approved snacks.

The pods, however, require 30 minutes to assemble, leading many employers to shut down operations entirely. “By the time we finish assembling the pod, it’s time to dismantle it and start over,” said one baffled manager.

The World Reacts

The public reaction to these sweeping changes has been mixed. Some workers appreciate the new measures, citing their newfound ability to spend eight hours “working” without ever breaking a sweat. Others are less thrilled.

“It’s gotten ridiculous,” said one carpenter. “I spent more time filling out the Ladder Usage Pre-Approval Form than I did building the entire house.”

But OSHA remains unfazed. “We believe our rules are paving the way for a safer, better future,” said Cautionary. “If no one ever works again, no one will ever get hurt. Isn’t that what we all want?”

Critics warn that these changes could lead to mass unemployment, but OSHA is reportedly already developing guidelines for “safe unemployment practices,” which will likely require bubble wrap, hard hats, and a 12-inch buffer zone between humans and their couches.