The "Nebraska Nebula": The Mattress That Swallows the Competition (and Cooks Your Breakfast)

Not to be outdone by Alaska's colossal 9-by-9-foot bed or Wyoming’s 12-by-12 “Mammoth Mattress,” the Great Plains are making their play in the outrageous mattress wars with a design so revolutionary, so unnecessary, that it’s bound to change the way you sleep forever. Introducing the Nebraska Nebula, the world’s first bed that doubles as a fully functional kitchen, because apparently, rolling out of bed to fry an egg is too much work these days.

Measuring an incomprehensible 16-by-16 feet, the Nebula is a mattress, a home appliance, and a blatant disregard for common sense all rolled into one. Not only can it fit your entire extended family and their pets—it can also whip up pancakes, brew coffee, and serve up bacon without you ever leaving your cocoon of blankets.

A Kitchen Where You Sleep: Breakfast Without Boundaries

“Why stop at just lying down?” said Patty O’Furniture, the marketing genius behind Mattress Omaha, the Nebraska-based company responsible for this monstrosity. “We asked ourselves, ‘What if you could sleep, eat, and even cook in the same place?’ And the Nebula was born.”

The bed’s padded perimeter features integrated kitchen appliances, including a dual-burner stovetop, smart fridge, microwave, and even a pop-up toaster. A detachable quilt functions as a washable apron, while the bedspread’s corner doubles as a napkin holder. If that’s not enough, the center console—a “pillow fort” of dreams—houses a cutting board, knife rack, and mini dishwasher.

A chef’s hat pops out from under the mattress with the push of a button, because, of course, it does.

“Room” Service, Redefined

Forget walking to the kitchen for a cup of coffee—the Nebula includes an espresso-making pillow. Simply fluff it three times, and presto! A steaming cappuccino appears in the built-in cupholder by your headboard. Fancy a smoothie? The mattress includes a recessed blender that rises from the foot of the bed like a tiny, noisy phoenix, complete with a lid that doubles as a coaster.

“You can even make bacon while you’re still snuggling,” O’Furniture bragged. “We engineered a low-smoke skillet into the left corner of the bed, so your sheets don’t smell like a diner.” Critics have questioned whether it’s safe to cook on a mattress, to which Mattress Omaha responded, “Have you ever seen anyone burned by progress?”

A Bed Fit for the Lazy Renaissance Human

If the mattress/kitchen hybrid wasn’t absurd enough, the Nebraska Nebula also includes a fold-out dining table that emerges from the center, allowing eight people to comfortably share a meal without displacing a single pillow. After breakfast, retractable arms sweep crumbs away like tiny, judgmental robots, ensuring no toast particles interrupt your post-meal nap.

For nighttime relaxation, the Nebula features a bedtime bar cart. With the tap of a button, a miniature liquor shelf rises majestically from the mattress corner, stocked with everything from whiskey to kombucha. “We understand modern humans rarely want to leave their beds,” O’Furniture said, “and we aim to keep them there forever.”

The Ultimate Price Tag for Ultimate Convenience

The Nebraska Nebula starts at $45,000—cheap, if you consider the cost of mattresses, kitchen renovations, and your dignity. For an additional $10,000, you can upgrade to the “Brunch in Bed” package, which includes a waffle iron, mimosa dispenser, and champagne cooler.

Installation, however, is not for the faint of heart. The mattress requires 5,000 square feet of space, a reinforced floor to hold its 2,000-pound weight, and a dedicated circuit breaker for all the appliances. Nebraska’s Department of Mattress Oversight recently declared it “technically not a fire hazard but, like, borderline.”

Delivery Nightmares: The Nebraska Nebula Strikes Again

Getting the Nebraska Nebula into a home has proven to be an epic saga of Herculean effort and logistical absurdity. Delivery teams, who have affectionately dubbed it “The Beast,” have reported harrowing tales of navigating narrow staircases, squeezing through apartment hallways, and dismantling door frames to wedge the monstrosity inside. One particularly disastrous delivery involved a Nebula that got wedged halfway up a spiral staircase in a New York City walk-up, prompting neighbors to nickname it “The Mattress That Ate the Building.”

On highways, the Nebula has become a rolling hazard. With its sheer size, multiple mattresses have reportedly slipped off delivery trucks, blocking traffic and causing chaos. “We had a Nebula come loose on I-80 last month,” said Roy Lugg, a trucker for Mattress Movers Inc. “It was like a UFO landed in the middle of the freeway. Took eight tow trucks and a forklift just to get it to the shoulder.”

Even when the bed makes it to its destination, homeowners often realize too late that their room isn’t big enough to accommodate it. This has resulted in a booming side business for Mattress Omaha’s “Nebula Extension Team,” a crew of contractors who specialize in knocking out walls and expanding bedrooms to house the absurdly massive mattress.

“It’s not just a bed,” O’Furniture admitted with a laugh. “It’s a lifestyle—and possibly a structural hazard.”

Breakfast Wars Heat Up

Unsurprisingly, Alaska and Wyoming aren’t sitting this one out. Alaska’s forthcoming Aurora Arctic Bed will reportedly include an indoor grill and a hot tub, while Wyoming teased the “Rancher’s R&R” bed—a combination sleeping surface, kitchenette, and petting zoo. “Let’s see Nebraska top a mattress that includes live alpacas,” scoffed Wyoming’s spokesperson.

For now, Nebraska reigns supreme in the realm of absurdly oversized and overengineered sleep solutions. Whether you’re craving hash browns or a reason to never get out of bed again, the Nebraska Nebula has your back—and your breakfast.

So go ahead, America. Stay horizontal. You’ve earned it.