As American as an AR-15: Trump’s Bold Vision for a New National Identity

In a move that shocked exactly no one but still managed to cause a nationwide migraine, President Donald J. Trump, fresh off his 2024 reelection victory, announced sweeping reforms to American identity. Centered around the AR-15 rifle, Trump’s latest initiative aims to cement what he calls “real American values” by replacing some of the nation’s most cherished symbols with an AR-15, the “official national weapon of citizen self-protection.”

“This is the ultimate tool of freedom,” Trump declared at a rally in Texas, flanked by NRA executives and a golden AR-15 mounted on a rotating pedestal. “It’s a beautiful, perfect weapon, and it’s time we make it a symbol of everything great about America. Forget apple pie. Forget the bald eagle. If you don’t have an AR-15, are you even American?”

The AR-15 as Voter ID

Perhaps the most controversial part of this initiative is the mandate that all Americans must own an AR-15 to vote. “No AR, no ballot,” said new White House Press Secretary and former ammunition lobbyist Buck Steelhammer. “It’s simple. If you’re not carrying the national symbol of freedom to the polls, how can we trust your commitment to liberty?”

Steelhammer went on to explain that polling stations would have “AR-friendly zones,” where voters could proudly display their firearms. Special lanes will be available for voters choosing to dual-wield their AR-15s, allowing them to skip ahead in line. Those who don’t comply will be escorted out by security teams wearing the new government-issued “Freedom Gear” tactical vests.

Critics of the plan have pointed out the obvious: that it disenfranchises millions of Americans who either cannot afford or do not wish to own an AR-15. In response, the Trump administration announced a new federal program called “Guns for Democracy,” which promises to provide low-interest loans to citizens for the purchase of their first AR-15.

Replacing the Statue of Liberty

Under the plan, the Statue of Liberty will be replaced with a 300-foot-tall AR-15 statue. Trump’s Chief of Patriotism Initiatives, Cletus Flagburn, explained the change: “Lady Liberty is a relic. She’s all about immigrants and hope and all that nonsense. What we need is a statue that screams, ‘Don’t tread on me.’ And nothing says that better than a giant rifle towering over New York Harbor.”

The inscription on the new statue will reportedly read: “Give me liberty, or give me a high-capacity magazine.”

Bye-Bye Bald Eagle, Hello Freedom Rifle

The national bird is also on the chopping block. Trump announced that the bald eagle, which he dismissed as “too scrawny,” will be replaced by an AR-15 as the nation’s official symbol. “The eagle’s just flapping around up there doing nothing,” Trump said. “The AR-15 gets things done.”

Prototypes for the new Great Seal of the United States feature two AR-15s crossed behind the American flag, with the words “In Guns We Trust” replacing the traditional “E Pluribus Unum.”

Cultural Overhaul

Under this sweeping initiative, phrases like “American as apple pie” will be replaced with “American as an AR-15.” Patriotic holidays will see changes as well. On July 4th, citizens will now be encouraged to attend AR-15 firing ceremonies instead of traditional fireworks displays. Thanksgiving will feature “Second Amendment Turkey Shoots,” where families can bond over blasting decoys dressed as imaginary threats to freedom.

The administration is also working with Hollywood to introduce a new children’s cartoon called “Ricky the Rifle” to “teach kids about their constitutional rights” through cheerful, animated violence.

Public Reaction

Reactions to the plan have been mixed. Gun enthusiasts have welcomed the changes, with AR-15 sales skyrocketing. The National Rifle Association declared it “a golden era of liberty.” Meanwhile, progressive groups have accused the administration of taking its obsession with guns to dystopian extremes.

A coalition of left-leaning organizations has already filed lawsuits, arguing that mandating gun ownership to vote violates basic constitutional rights. However, the Trump administration has remained defiant, with Trump tweeting, “The 2nd Amendment is the 1st right! MAGA!!! #AR15Nation”

The Path Forward

As America barrels into 2025, it’s clear that the AR-15 has become more than just a weapon. It is now a symbol of a deeply polarized nation, one half of which is ready to trade the Statue of Liberty for a massive gun, and the other half desperately Googling “countries with affordable healthcare and no AR-15 voter mandates.”

In the words of President Trump: “It’s not just a rifle. It’s who we are. And if you don’t like it, well, too bad. The AR-15 is here to stay.”